i miss seeing ur face
I miss seeing people’s brand new open faces–and not being afraid of them. This summer has felt particularly isolating. The covid surge, the heat, the air quality.. an unfortunate mix that has created this extra hot american summer. It’s painful. I haven’t been this strict around covid precautions since the first 2 years of the pandemic, when my friends and I were in a “pod”. there was 7 of us, and we only saw each other.
Last summer i met a bunch of new people. I had a “big” (around 30) birthday party and was excited to meet funny, hot, gay friends. After being secluded for so long, it was invigorating. I felt like a kid, playing games, swimming, and getting high with people i didn’t know very well. I love meeting new people, i love making connections. i miss smiling at others, big and wide—letting them see my crooked teeth and button nose. Letting them feel my warmth, and i can feel theirs, without thoughts of sickness and death. But this year I have new knowledge and new boundaries. The fact that covid could ruin my life in 5 seconds.. is too scary for me to risk saying hello or getting too close. I’ve had to cut friends, old and new, from my life, and my world has become very small. It mostly entails my apartment, my cat, and some bunnies.
Bunnies are my best friends in the whole world. They’re not actually bunnies; they’re 3 people who mean a lot to me. When we first became friends Fel, Lav, and I were all healing from some major trauma. One day Lav decided she needed to go to build-a-bear for her inner child, so we all took a trip to the mall, cloth masks over our smiles. I was the first one who decided on the bunny, and the other two followed suit ;p My bunny had a bubblegum scent to her, Lav’s bunny was only half filled so she’d be super soft, and Fel’s bunny was beach ready in a pink one piece. From that day on we were the bunnies! Or bunny boos, bunny honeys. Buns. Lupe joined a little later when they moved in with Fel and Lav (unfortunately no build a bear bunny has been acquired for them yet). the bunnies became a container for the love we shared, the promises we made, the secrets we kept.
It’s been really special developing these friendships, and i feel silly for missing “less meaningful” interactions. The other day i was at powderhorn park, and there was an event going on. I stopped two people and asked what was happening and they said “it’s firedancing! You should come check it out”; they were really cute and i quickly said “i will” even though i knew i probably wouldn’t. I had forgotten my mask at home, and before stopping i could hear someone in the crowd coughing intensely. I felt sad that i couldn’t mindlessly check out was going on, couldn’t maybe become friends with these folks, couldn’t feel someone’s shoulder next to mine or share a blanket. The spontaneity of connections has been mostly taken out of my life, and those are so exciting and fulfilling to me. Could i become best friends with that person? Could we fall in love? Mm, guess i’ll never know!
I have felt an aching inside me this summer that can only be soothed by getting to look into my friends’ eyes, getting to hear their laughs or hug them a little longer. But as I continue to spend the weeks alone in my apartment, the aching comes back and I am craving something lost. Thank god for high quality masks, thank god for accessible testing, and for air purifiers, and everything our ancestors didn’t have during the spanish flu. But i’ll always miss when a smile was just a smile, not a potential threat. I’ll forever cherish the the intimacy, how fleeting it is now, that you can only get through shared air.
